In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall…

You know one of my pet hates about the Real Housewives shows? It’s those stupid little tag lines they insist on playing during the credits sequence at the start of every episode; none of them make much sense and always come off as very insincere/irrelevant to the rest of the series. That said I think that Brandi Glanville’s opener (the title of this blog post) suits the current mood of the show very well, in regards to Brandi herself and also show stalwart Lisa Vanderpump…but I’ll get to them both in more detail later.

I havn’t posted about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for a very long time, in fact it was my first ‘proper’ post way back in April last year and although the current series has been on since November I have not felt inclined to do episode reviews like I may have once intended. The Beverly Hills iteration of the Real Housewives franchise is one of it’s most recent and arguably one of it’s most popular, it’s also the only one I watch and even then it remains a bit of a guilty secret. The likes of ‘Jersey’ and ‘Atlanta’ are probably slightly more exciting to watch, but the fact that the Beverly Hills women have actual money and also that they are semi-famous already means that I find them more interesting to read about and watch.

For this season there has been quite a shake up in terms of the ‘cast’; out are several of the original housewives (Adrienne ‘Glitter Lioness’ Maloof and Camille ‘Mushu’ Grammar) and another (Taylor ‘Trout Mouth’ Armstrong) has been reduced to a barely-there guest role. Alot of the previous guest characters have also been done away with…most barely warrant mentioning but I feel that Melissa Zanuck may have been a fun addition had she been left to speak her mind a little more. Instead we have been blessed with 2 new ‘main’ housewives; Carlton Gebbia (a British pagan witch with a penchant for kinky sex) and Joyce Giraud de Ohoven (a former Miss Puerto Rico who appears to have stolen Michael Jackon’s nose). Neither woman strikes an immediate chord with me but undoubtedly have stirred up a fair bit of drama so far, with the potential for a fair bit more from the Brit-witch.

I could go into detail describing the various intertwined plots of the series, but aside from being vain/throwing lavish parties/bitching there isn’t much to report…of particular note has been the stupid feud between Brandi and Joyce, based on Brandi being a bitch and using slightly racist comments in relation to little Miss MJ-face. Although that hatchet has been somewhat buried, instead we are now faced with a big Carlton/Kyle row based on precisely nothing, plus an upcoming breakup of bff/quasi mother-daughter pair of Brandi and Lisa. The latter is abit sad to see but it will be interesting to see how this develops in the last few episodes of this season, because to the point I have watched they are still pretty close if slightly frustrated with each other.

Here is my own personal take on each of the housewives as of this point:

Kim Richards: Kim has always been one the weak links in the show and nothing has changed as of yet. Still pretty crazy, her storylines have revolved around things like her dog needing training and her youngest daughter graduating high school. She still has some weird beef with Ken and Lisa but she’s rarely coherent enough to express what her issue is. Apparently she is paid significantly less than the other housewives and there is no doubt why that is!

Kim at her most sane

Joyce Giraud de Ohoven: Joyce’s surname is so long I had to copy and paste it from Wikipedia! Unfortunately that’s probably the only thing worth looking her up for as she is pretty bland in most other ways; I’ve already mentioned her awful nose job and when combined with her painfully skinny body/implants she ends up looking a lot older than she probably is…at a guess I’d say she is probably ‘supposed’ to be about 32 yet could very easily be 45 at the very least. What else do I remember about Joyce? Well she is married to some creepy film producer and is religious, oh and she loves getting into stupid rows because she can’t take a joke. It’s hard to dislike somebody who is dumb as a box of hair but Joyce makes it pretty easy.

Apparently Joyce is 38? To be fair though her hair is normally very dark and thick

Yolanda Foster: After being diagnosed with Lyme Disease at the end of last season, the Dutch Housewife is still clearly suffering from it’s effects – she looks amazing as ever (definite MILF) but it still seems like her heart is not in a lot of the activities that the housewives get up to. I really like Yolanda, as despite a few social faux-pas and her horrible husband she still comes across as really genuine and above a lot of the bitchiness that occurs. The only problem with that is she might not be interesting enough for producers to keep around next season, and seeing as though I have fallen in love with her lovely daughter Gigi (amazingly fit and actually pretty hilarious based on her appearances) that would be a real shame if they disappeared off of my screen!

Yolanda and Gigi

Kyle Richards: After seasons of being cast as the mean girl, Kyle seems to finally have emerged as a pretty decent human being, at least in my eyes! Still looking like a busted Demi Moore impersonator, Kyle has shifted to becoming the peace keeper in this little group, but still does enough to stir the pot to gain some kudos with producers. It has been nice to see Kyle’s friendship with Lisa rekindled, and also learn a bit more about her background (ie acting and Judaism), but the current ‘battle’ going on is between Kyle and Carlton – for once a fight that Kyle has not seemed to initiate and also one where she seems completely in the right. Admittedly maybe she should have recognised the difference between a pentagram and the star of David, but it doesn’t quite deserve the reaction from Brit witch.

Kyle looking more WASPish than ever

Lisa Vanderpump: Probably the biggest breakout star of RHOBH, Lisa started the series at risk of overexposure with her presence in both Dancing With The Stars and Bravo’s own ‘Vanderpump Rules’ based at her 2 L.A. restaurants. Although I still enjoy watching Lisa I have no intention of watching Vanderpump Rules, a show more focused on the comings and goings of the attractive late 20’s bunch of employees she has. Annoyingly Bravo seem intent on plugging this show all they can because these people are in RHOBH at every opportunity. Lisa’s fun side has returned a bit which is nice to see, but her mothering of Brandi is about to blow up in her face – a shame really as their dynamic was fun, but I can see both sides of the coin, although it if Brandi is the one leaking stuff about Lisa and Ken’s purported bankruptcy (not something I can believe given that house!) then I am going to be Team Lisa.

Lisa does not age

Brandi Glanville: LeAnn Rimes aka Falcor must rue the day that Brandi agreed to become one of the Housewives; Brandi has gotten massive exposure from the show and regardless of whether she has more fans or detractors, things like her book launch prove that she has become a pretty marketable figure despite her potty mouth and dubious twitter spats. Brandi has become a specialist in ensuring she is at the centre of any major storyline in the show, whether it be slurring a few racial comments at Joyce or vomiting at Kim’s daughter’s graduation party it seems there is always a reason to talk about Brandi. Good for her I guess, although even I have become a little sick with her unapologetic stance on everything and tendency to self pity a little much (that bloody dog is a case in point!). It will be interesting to see what happens as she ends her friendship with Lisa and Ken, which just a few episodes ago seemed as strong as ever but by the end of the season will implode it seems.

Brandi’s massive mouth gets her in trouble a lot…and not the kind she’s probably like

Carlton Gebbia: I assume the vacancy Carlton applied for when joining the show simply said ‘bat shit crazy rich white woman’ because that’s simply what she is. The stick-thin Brit is a pagan witch who lives in a massive/tacky gothic themed mansion on the side of a hill. Everything from her children’s names to her tattoos are based around the occult and it’s not something to be laughed about – as several of the housewives have found to their peril…this bitch casts spells! However don’t think this means she is a prude or earthly, no Carlton is very open about her ‘massive’ sexual appetite and lets us (and her mother-in-law) watch her pick out S&M themed outfits and things to put in her sex room. I honestly don’t understand Carlton as she is openly offensive to most people yet also seems to take deep offense to the slightest thing…for example her current massive argument with Kyle is based on a negative vibe and a bad dream?! I guess this bisexual bag of bones and muscle gets viewers hooked, but I am honestly convinced that her attitude (and for that matter her British accent) are fake or at the very least hammed up for the cameras.

Carlton, who named her children Destini, Mysteri and Cross

With potentially the most explosive episodes of the season yet to air I am sure I will be posting about this bunch of women again sometime soon, but in the meantime I’d recommend you give it a watch 🙂




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